Illegitimate Offspring

My alias is Max. I get fucked up on regular and... I speak about it & my life.

Answers.

The answers are I do care. And two it was the last straw to much damage was done to the point where I’m not even attracted to you. We can be friends nothing else. You’ll never be the man I need you to be and I’m sorry. I was blinded by potential.

We’re both unhappy. We are cool as friends but a relationship is to stressed. You feel betrayed. I mean that’s the same song I was singing for like 6 months. You’re way of living and doing this. I can not take. I appreciate what you did or tried to do. But we are two totally different people. So when it came down to it the bad was out weighing the good and I had to be healthy for myself. So we can be friends nothing else sorry and you are so deceitful. U always try to trick me into discussing things I’m not willing to talk about. By not saying what it is. U did it on memorial day. The day you came to my house and last night. So stop it. Memorial day I said I didn’t want to talk and u initiated conversation anyway. Everyone in my family agrees. We were watching a movie that Friday and u asked do I think about you. you tried to trick me I’m not discussing anymore.  

Letter To Clarity

Clarity

Today is Thursday, July 5th, 2012. I let myself run through every excuse to think that we should still be together. In my heart I wanted to be with you. After these three long weeks I’ve come to terms today that we shouldn’t. I truly thought you were different, I gave you the chance with my heart and you fucked it up. I know it doesn’t mean shit to you, but it’s just something I had to get off my chest. I feel truly betrayed. I know that I fucked up with you at times, but it was out of ignorance. My heart was always in the right place. I always wanted to do better for the both of us. I always wanted to better because I promised that I’d be with you forever. I love you we both crossed each others boundaries. We both were hurt. Neither one of us can say the other was more hurt during the relationship. We both know the details, we have our differences. There was a lot of pressure on both of us, but I was willing to go through it because of my promise to you. I remember what you had went through to be in a relationship with me, all the trials and tribulations, the type of things you did because you knew that I was the person you wanted to be with. I respected you for that, you had enough confidence in yourself and in me that we could work out. No matter what conditions. I wasn’t too sure in the beginning, because I was afraid that I’d get screwed over in the end. I trusted you enough to know that we could do it. You gave me the impression that no matter what you’d never leave my side. I’m hitting that stage where I’m more pissed at you for doing this than anything. I promised you I’d never leave your side. I never did. You were my girlfriend, my love, and my best friend. I had my own problems, I lost myself. I needed to find myself, but by the time I found myself you had already come to the conclusion that you didn’t want to be with me. I was only a man who had no guidance. I was only a man who formulated his own guidance. I was only a man who needed guidance and some time. A man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. I accept it for what it is. From us planning on our future. To you planning your own future and cutting me out of everything there is nothing I can say. I had three and a half weeks off & I saw you four times in the span of three & half weeks because you didn’t want us. All I wanted was for us to be together on my birthday it was my first day of 20 years old. I told you how much I wanted to see you days before my birthday… even though you were my girlfriend first, you were always my best friend, and who doesn’t spend their birthday with their best friend. We used to spend everyday together. You were my like little sidekick. lmao. We did everything together. I brought you a little out of your circle, you brought me out of my circle. Took you places, showed you new things, and loved every minute of it. This summer we were supposed to be enjoying it together, we said that. I was prepared for this to be the first summer where my relationship made it all the way to the summer, but it fell short. I’m really angry at the base of it, but I’m more disappointed, than anything. I keep asking myself even if you did take a chance again to be with me what would it be like. Would we be able to over look each others past ways and make for a better relationship? I think I could, if this didn’t happen. This was the whole reason I didn’t want to get in a relationship with you. This would be the same reason why I would hesitate again. I would need to know you wouldn’t leave me in the dust again but how would I do that? You did it once and once was one time to many. God knows I want to… at this current date, but I know it’s not the right thing to do. I know it’s not. I faught it and lost the game. I love you from the depths of my heart, but it just doesn’t make sense to me why you would tell someone you’ll be there for them… truthfully then go back on your word. When I told you I was down for you I was serious.

Ultimately, I’m mad that this went down like this. That you made me feel this bad about all of this. Shit hurts. I’m not going to act like it’s ok I’m bummed for sure, but there’s not much I can do about anything at this point. From all the things I listed I just want to know why…

  1. Why did you leave me ultimately?
  2. Why didn’t you give me that extra chance?
  3. Why didn’t you try to work it out?
  4. Do you not care about me?
  5. And lastly I just want to know why did you do it when you did it?

I just want to know why. I want you to be completely honest about it. I don’t want you think about sheltering my feelings now. Whatever it is so it can make more sense to me that’s it. I’ve been contemplating everything for so long and I just want to understand. I’m completely serious from now on I’ll leave you alone about the whole thing if I get these answers… that’s it. If you have any questions I will answer them

Monologue | Clarity #4

This day was kinda easier… I had you on my mind from time to time. I wonder how much longer I can last without talking to you. I had my time occupied today so I was able to get my mind together. I miss you still though. I want to pull a Drake & text you but I know I shouldn’t. There were too many things for me to continue and act like you shouldn’t have said sorry to me. I’m going to try my hardest to last… I just need the right motivation. Maybe, I just need my questions answered. I feel like some things just weren’t true for your reasoning but I know there was reasoning.

Monologue | Clarity #3

Today is day three of no communication. I haven’t checked your twitter, haven’t done anything. All I did was think about you. Wish you would finally just text me or something. Still no word. I miss you deeply. I know you have your shoot on Monday. I hope all goes well and it turns out how you want it. I want you to call me or something and speak about us. I wonder if you ever have regrets about us. I wonder if you ever wanted to take the time out of your life to ask me how I’m doing. I wonder why you’re not hitting me up. Well it should be blatantly obvious. You just don’t want to talk to me or are too busy to text me. I wonder how long you can go without texting me or missing me. I haven’t seen you since last week today. It really might be over for us. 

Your Probable Reasons | Clarity

  • I unfairly said that certain emotions you had towards certain situations were immature and not that serious. I didn’t take your feelings into account all the time.
  • I let my friends disrespect you, in your eyes.
  • I let other men disrespect you, in your eyes.
  • I tried to step in between you and your friend Tres.
  • I didn’t address my problem with Tres and you, with Tres.
  • I procrastinated on doing the clothing line stuff.
  • I was unable to speak to you about your clothing line stuff because I didn’t properly address it.
  • My condition.
  • Distance.
  • Your overall problem with my friends. 
  • I complain about the lack of sex.
  • We were always arguing.

Monologue | Clarity #2

Today. Again you ask me for a favor…  I don’t know what I want to say to you but I just kinda want you to just talk to me. I know I should leave you alone though. It’s the best thing to do. I’m trying to find a way to erase you with someone, but I can’t for right now. I really enjoyed my time with you. I don’t know if you’re just going to continue subtweeting me or what’s going on. I don’t know what made your feelings change. I don’t know why there was no way of working it out. I couldn’t understand how come you didn’t to work it out. I want you back. I want to be with you. I want us to come up together, but apparently you’re dipping on me as soon as you get your Pixies X Rebels stuff takes off. I have genuine belief that your brand could be something huge. You had told me we would do this shit forever, but now you’re treating it like you never gave a shit about me. I know that you’re not the right person for me. I want you to be, but you’re not. My friends had told me I need to give you up but I never listened. I was too stubborn. I’m mad that I didn’t leave before you did. It’s just dumb founding me honestly. We had our discrepancies, sure. But, as asinine as I thought your thoughts were I still gave them the benefit of the doubt. I keep checking on your twitter to see what you’re up to and you keep tweeting about you’re future. I know you’re future is going to be great, I just wish I could be right next to you. It’s fine. I’ll hop back onto my own train.

Monologue | Clarity #1

What happened? You had told me that you would always be there for me. You told me that I could always count on you. You told me that we would always be together. Of course like so many before you, you lied. I never ever understand when and where is the right time to trust a woman’s word. I truly believed that shit could work for us. I fought hard for us to last. I always end up in this position. I’ve never once broken up with a girl that I’ve dated…  I don’t know what it is honestly, maybe it’s my choice of women or maybe it’s me. I haven’t dug deep enough within myself to honestly figure out. I’m still learning myself everyday. You have sucked me dry of my dignity all because I promised you I would always be down for you. When I said it I meant it. There were girls that I know that had a more grown body than you that wanted me and I didn’t even give them the time of day. The fact that we broke up and it was because of you after you had forced me into this relationship. I had seen all your effort even though I knew that I wasn’t ready to be in this relationship and decided to give it a chance because you were different from the other girls. You had showed me you cared. You had showed me that you wanted to be down for me. Such a betrayal, such a lie. I give up on trying to make you happy. I give up on trying to make myself happy with you. I’m going to get my shit fully together, for me.o

FUCK CLARITY

CLARITY

You are one of the most inconsiderate people I know. Over the past months they haven’t been easy, but I will list to you everything that you’ve done to me that I can remember.
  • You’ve made me feel like crap about my condition.
  • You’ve made me feel like you’re the only one I can have with my condition
  • You said I was a leech.
  • You’ve made me feel like you’re the only one I have since I don’t really have anywhere else to stay.
  • You said that you’d spit on me.
  • You called me a bitch.
  • You made me feel terrible because you had done the most any girl had ever done for me because I didn’t want to get in this relationship.
  • You let another man who I trusted lie to me and acted like it was my fault cuz I didn’t want to talk to that nigga about it. The only reason I had contact with him was because of you.
  • You always throw the fact that you didn’t see him before he got locked up because of me.
  • You make me feel like scum about the fact that I don’t understand you.
  • I try my hardest to understand you and you act like I’m out to kill you.
  • You curse at me like you don’t give a fuck about my life.
  • You make me feel like I didn’t do shit for you.
  • You made me feel like I wasted 6 months of your life
  • You made me feel like all the times I spent with you were a waste of time.
  • You talk shit about me on Twitter. I don’t twatch you anymore because I don’t want to see all the shit you ever said about me to Twitter. I haven’t read your shit in like a week.
  • You probably talk shit about me to your friends
  • You and your mother now complain about the fact I was in the house when everything was all. Oh Indy can stay in the house.
  • I walked home from your house twice. Yesterday I had to wait in the rain because travis wasn’t home and I didn’t have a place to go. Both times I walked away from your house I was hoping that you would come get me because you felt bad. That never happened.
  • You act like you don’t give a fuck about my life.
  • You know that I have three weeks off then I go into my most intense quarter of classes.
  • You act like I didn’t ever have good intentions for Pixies X Rebels.
  • You act like I made those logos and shit for the simple fact that I wanted to rub it in my face.
  • You don’t have time for me anymore because shit’s all about you and all the time I MADE YOU WASTE.
  • You didn’t do shit for my birthday. Except say happy birthday and I had to ask to see you on my birthday? 
  • You don’t like my friends. I HAD ALWAYS SAID THAT, but you always denied it.
  • You make me feel like shit for trying to get this relationship to work.
  • YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS ALL MY FAULT.
  • And even so I STILL PUT MY SHIT BEHIND YOURS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!?! YO I DON’T WANT THIS SHIT ANYMORE. FUCK IT. IT’S FINE. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU’LL GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU FORCED ME INTO THE RELATIONSHIP. THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHIT TO ME. ULTIMATELY YO. I’M NOT DOING SHIT AND I’M NOT WAITING UP FOR SHIT ANYMORE BECAUSE ALL I ASKED FOR WAS PATIENCE SO ENJOY YOUR SHOOT ENJOY YOUR LIFE. MY DIGNITY HAS BEEN TRIED TOO MANY TIMES. THERE’S WAAY MORE STUFF BUT I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO GET INTO THAT.
I’m sorry for all the pain that I’ve caused you genuinely on everything.

Inner Thoughts #1

So, tonight was Trevor’s birthday & we had a giant surprise party for him. It was cool & all he was happy and crap, but afterwards. I got the chance to listen to Ramel talk about women in general he had some pretty insightful stuff. It really made me think about a whole bunch of things. Basically, it made me want to go and try to fix stuff w/ Sunshine even though tonight I saw her for the first time in about a month-ish. Basically, since my birthday. It makes me want to take the slow approach and start hanging out with her more even though, I am still @ that stage where I am getting over her. It was annoying to invite her which sucked. I knew Trevor wouldn’t have a problem with me not inviting her. She never really invites us to any functions she having, fuck it… It’s cool. I never really felt any type of way, but it’s whatever… I’m not in my right mindset to continue this… I’ll pick up later.

Monologue | Tiese #5

We get in an argument almost every time we meet each other. I don’t have much to say to you, but I just wish that you would stop pushing my buttons. There are arcade games for that.